Post by bootlegger on Oct 9, 2008 8:46:18 GMT -5
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2),
I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to
church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would
you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really
boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm
the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he as ked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class
and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.'
The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'
The third student got in up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy.
I am a Baptist, and this is a casserole.'
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
'Kneeling is definitely the bes t way to pray,' the priest said.
'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is
lying down on the floor.'
The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he
interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down
from a telephone pole.'
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The
twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances
on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean .'
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
>
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your
lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the
Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .'(Nazarene)
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said t he youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom , 'Today is just as good
as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2),
I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to
church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would
you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really
boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm
the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he as ked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class
and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.'
The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'
The third student got in up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy.
I am a Baptist, and this is a casserole.'
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
'Kneeling is definitely the bes t way to pray,' the priest said.
'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is
lying down on the floor.'
The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he
interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down
from a telephone pole.'
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The
twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances
on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean .'
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
>
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your
lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the
Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .'(Nazarene)
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said t he youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom , 'Today is just as good
as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth
